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The CrankaTsuris(™️) Schlemiel

I have a friend that I would like to tell a story about.  His name is Mr. Schlemiel.  

 

Now what makes Mr. Schlemiel so special is that he is one of those people that has lots and lots of Tsuris, but amazingly enough, he had never experienced CrankaTsuris.

 

The reason for this is quite simple.  He just spends his entire life letting people take advantage of him, and he always just thought that was the way it always was.  He just did not know any better.

 

But, one day, believe it or not, he woke up, and thought to himself that today is a new day, and he said.

 

"I shouldn't let people take advantage of me.   I am going to find a lawyer, the best lawyer, and I am going to sue those people who tried to take advantage of me.  I'll show them, and nobody will dare take advantage of me again!!!"

 

So, Mr. Schlemiel found a lawyer, and the lawyer's name was Mr. Schmegeggi.  Mr. Schmegeggi promised Mr. Schlemiel that when the case was over, nobody would ever mess with Mr. Schlemiel, and with the money he would get, Mr. Schlemiel would live a "Tsuris free" life.

 

The case proceeded to trial, and Mr. Schlemiel had a good case.  We know this because Mr. Schlemiel was offered $5 million dollars to settle the case.

 

Mr. Schlemiel was very excited with the news, so excited in fact, that he went to Mr. Schmegeggi to take the money.

 

"Mr. Schmegeggi, please let's take the money.  It's a lot of money, and I do not see $5 million every day.  Remember, you said "Tsuris free"?  This is it.  Let's settle and go home!!!"

 

Mr. Schmegeggi was not moved. He replied:

 

"Mr. Schlemiel.  The $5 million offer is an insult to my reputation.  I will get you many times more than that.  We will take the case to trial!!"

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded sheepishly:

 

"Ok."

 

So, the case went to trial  Apparently, it was not going too well.  The jurors looked at Mr. Schlemiel with puzzled expressions, and appeared openly hostile whenever Mr. Schmegeggi opened his mouth.

 

Still, Mr. Schlemiel was offered $3 million dollars to settle.  Mr. Schlemiel, hearing this, ran over to Mr. Schmegeggi and pleaded:

 

"Mr. Schmegeggi, please let's take the money.  I do not think the jurors like you very much, and they just look at me like I am just some kind of Schlemiel.  I do not see $3 million every day.  Please settle."

 

Mr. Schmegeggi looked at Mr. Schlemiel sternly, and said:

 

Mr. Schlemiel.  Trust me.  No worries. I am the professional here.  I plan to kill the jury with my closing argument!!"

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded sheepishly:

 

"Ok."

 

The closing argument did not go very well.  It was clear that by the time they got to the closing argument, all of the jurors lost interest because they were all fast asleep.  Still, Mr. Schlemiel was offered $1 million to settle.

 

Amazingly, Mr. Schlemiel was able to stay awake during the closing argument  and he saw what was going on.  He ran over to Mr. Schmegeggi, and went down on his knees and begged:

 

"Mr. Schmegeggi.  Please.  Let's take the money.  You said that your closing would be a killer, but I did not realize that would mean rendering them all unconscious.  I do not see $1 million every day.  Let's take the money!!!!"

 

Mr. Schmegeggi responded:

 

" I have a duty to protect the interests of my client, and the interests of my client is to take the case to verdict!!"

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded sheepishly:

 

"Ok."

 

The jury came back and awarded Mr. Schlemiel nothing.  Zero.  Verdict in favor of the defense.

 

It happens.

 

The next day, Mr. Schlemiel picked up the phone, and asked for Mr. Schmegeggi.  The receptionist picked up the phone and said:

 

"Oh. Mr. Schlemiel.  Mr. Schmegeggi was very upset and very distraught  over losing your case.  He climbed to the top of the tallest building.  He jumped off the top of the tallest building.  Mr. Schmegeggi is dead."

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded:

 

"Ok."

 

The next day, Mr. Schlemiel again called, and asked for Mr. Schmegeggi.  The receptionist again answered the phone and explained:

 

"Mr. Sclemiel.  Like I told you yesterday, Mr. Schmeggegi was very upset and very distraught  over losing your case.  He climbed to the top of the tallest building.  Come to think of it, he probably took the elevator.  The man was 100 pounds overweight, and i do not think he can walk up a flight of stairs.  But he went to the top of the tallest building.  He jumped off the top of the tallest building.  Mr. Schmegeggi is dead."

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded:

 

"Ok."

 

The next day, again, Mr. Schlemiel picked up the phone and asked to speak to Mr. Schmegeggi.  Once again, the receptionist answered and politely explained:

 

"Mr. Schlemiel.  Like I explained the last two days, Mr. Schmegeggi was very upset and very 

distraught over losing your case.  He climbed to the top of the tallest building.  He did not take the elevator.  The elevator was out of service.  But, he climbed to the top of the tallest building. He jumped off the top of the tallest building.  Mr. Schmegeggi is dead.

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded:

 

"Ok."

 

For the next week, Mr. Schlemiel continued to call, asking to speak to Mr. Schmegeggi.  Finally, Mr. Schmegeggi's partner picked up the phone, exasperated, and said"

 

"Mr. Sclemiel.  For the last ten days, you have called asking for Mr. Schmegeggi.  And everyday, we tell you the same thing.  Mr. Schmegeggi was very upset and very distraught over losing your case.  He climbed to the top of the tallest building.  He jumped off the top of the tallest building.  Mr. Schmegeggi is dead!!!!  Why do you keep calling?

 

Mr. Schlemiel responded:

 

"I like to hear the story."

 

"So we learned to be careful not to express our inner TyrantoCrankaTsuris or TyrantoKvetchaTsuris too often.  Just the right amount to keep the planet happy, and not too cranky."

 

 

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